Was Not Wonderland
by Zuzzeroo
Summary: When you need someone to stand by you through the hard times. Dasey. One-shot. WARNING, some content may be upsetting to some readers.


_Alright, so I decided to write a Christmas story and while I was going through my old one-shot ideas, I found this and expanded on it. It's a little different than I usually write and I had to some research so I could understand it better. All my information, I found online._

_And also, STOP READERS, before you read ahead, please note that some of the content in this one-shot isn't dirty or anything, but may be upsetting to some readers. I don't want to hurt anyone by this at all, that is not, and never will be, my intention. Just a little warning. _

_I hope you like it!_

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

* * *

The world must have ended. Hell had frozen over. The apocalypse had begun. Time had stopped and I was frozen in this moment. A moment of complete, overwhelming sadness, shame and fear. I imagine Alice must have felt similar, when she fell down the rabbit hole. Although, unlike her, the land I had entered, wasn't Wonderland.

I was lying on the cold, bathroom tiles in my work clothes; sensible button up shirt and my favourite black skirt. Things that were so common in my everyday life, but now seemed so foreign, like I was living someone else's life and not my own. I scrunched up my face as I looked around. I needed to sweep around the toilet and pick up the five hair clips that were sitting on the floor under the sink.

"Casey!"

I ignored the voice, rolling over, away from the door, so I was now facing the bathtub instead.

Footsteps were echoing up and down the halls, scraping through the kitchen, and across the living room rug. It wouldn't be long till they stopped at the bathroom. The stomping was coming closer, and I felt myself curl into a ball, my hands grabbing fistfuls of my skirt and tugging it down. Something wet was rolling down my face and I looked up at the ceiling, wondering if we had a leak until my eyes got blurry and I found myself giving a choked sob.

The bathroom doorknob shook, and I looked up at it, cursing it silently. If simple things like doorknobs didn't exist, then the loneliness I crave would be so much easier to obtain.

"Casey? Casey, sweetie, open the door please."

I felt myself shake and curled tighter together. Tears were falling freely out of my eyes and hitting the soft grey tiles, making little puddles on the floor. I focused on that, as best as I possibly could, praying that the voice outside, pleading me to let him in, would leave.

The doorknob was jiggled again, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard him curse and head away. This was what I wanted, this alone feeling, but I felt a twinge of regret and almost considered getting up and opening the door. I was too tired though, and my body felt like melting into the floor rather than actually being useful. But just the thought of my body brought on more uncontrollable sobs. I was all alone.

But when I heard him returning, jiggling the doorknob a little more, I couldn't stop the tears, not matter how hard I tried. When the door gave way, and swung open, smashing into the towel rack I gave a loud sob. Hands were on my face then, smoothing back my hair and wiping away my tears.

"Casey, babe."

He lifted my head gently and put it in his lap. I grabbed his arm desperately, holding on to it as I tried to get the tears under control.

"Derek." The word seemed strangled, and forced and so not like me, and who I am. He seemed to understand me though, because he leaned down and kissed my head, and murmured something like "I'm here, baby. It's alright."

I sat up a little, now leaning more against his side than reclining in his lap. He reached forward a little and grabbed a roll of toilet paper. I took it and broke off some, using it to wipe under my eyes; the black mascara mixed in with my grey eye liner looked like a bleak, stormy sky. I hated storms, and I felt a short wave of anger flood me and I crumpled up the paper, throwing it against the door. His hand caught mine before I could put it down. He held it gently in his, running his thumb over my knuckles before reaching up to touch the diamond ring.

Derek swallowed loudly, and I looked up at him. His brown eyes looked tired, worried and a little red in some places. He had been crying, and that was something I wasn't use to. His hair was dishevelled from when he pulled his toque off before we'd gone in.

I found myself reaching up, with my free hand, to touch his face. He had a bit of a stubble and I almost smiled when I remembered what he looked like this morning when I'd woken up. His hair all messy from our activities before we fell asleep, eyes closed and those long lashes sweeping his cheekbones. His face was pressed against my shoulder, and his stubble tickled my chin with each breath.

"I'm so sorry." I whispered and fought the urge of sadness that washed over me. Crying at this time wouldn't help at all. He nodded and the emotion in his eyes changed quickly, flickering, and I squinted a little, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

"I know, and I don't want you to feel sorry. This has nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fault, Case."

I shook my head at him.

"No, Derek. It really was."

He let go of my hand, and I looked down to watch it slowly fall to the floor. I felt sick, like I was watching a flower bend over and kiss the ground before dying. I felt my husband's arm slither around my waste, and pull me up off of him and turn me around so I was facing him.

"Then please explain it to me, Case, because I don't see how it could possibly be your fault."

I shrugged. "I wasn't being healthy enough."

He snorted, and the look on his face was one of disbelief mixed in with a little cruel humour. I saw the same look on his face when we were teenagers, forced to live together. We fought over many silly things back then, TV remotes, the last of the Christmas chocolate or car keys. What was happening right now though was so much harder, and I realized how much I took the simple things in life for granted.

"Casey. I don't even think health inspectors eat healthier than you do. What with all that fruit you filled the fridge with and those terrible salads full of yucky green stuff. You didn't even let me eat it with dressing!"

I smiled a little at the look on his face. He looked like such a little boy when he scowled at me like that.

"I am such an awful wife, making my husband eat his leafy greens." He rolled his eyes and I stuck out my tongue.

His eyes turned more serious.

"It wasn't your fault Casey. None of it was." I opened my mouth to protest, but he shook his head and I closed it again.

"The only part I'm holding you responsible for, was when you took off out of the examination room, like a bat out of hell, with my car keys and taking off. I had to get a cab and spent the next almost two hours going to all your favourite places, hoping you might be there. I had to pay him my whole wallet plus a pack of gum when I finally saw the car outside our house. You have no idea how scared I was. I didn't know if you drove off the bridge or headed back to Nora and Dad's. This was my last guess and when I saw that you were home and safe..."

The look in his eyes as he was telling me this was pure terror and I felt the blame. I looked down, his jeans, all wet from running around outside in the snow and my rumpled skirt spread out over top of my legs.

"I'm sorry. Honestly, Derek, I really am. I don't know what I was thinking. I had to just leave and get out of that place. I...I fe...I felt like the walls were closing in around me and I needed to get somewhere safe."

He tilted my chin up so I was looking at him."

"I would have come with you. I didn't want to be alone in that place either."

"I realize that now. I just...just felt..."

I closed my eyes as I tried to make sense of what I was thinking. Ever since this morning, when it happened, my brain had shut off.

---

"_Wake up, Derek." I giggled in his ear as I placed a gentle kiss on it. He groaned a complaint that sounded like "It's too early. Five more minutes." His arm slipped up and around my back and I knew he wasn't really being serious. After all, it was hard to be serious when you had a naked girl basically on top of you. Especially hard if you were undressed as well._

_I blew lightly into his ear and smiled as he squirmed, trying to roll me over so he could be on top. I placed light kisses from his ear, down his jaw line and his neck. I placed one last kiss at his collar bone and made my was back up to his lips. By now, I could tell he was awake, but his eyes were still closed. _

_I kissed the corner on his lip before I brushed my lips against his softly. His mouth opened up at this almost automatically and I quickly pulled back and waited. He finally opened his eyes and glared at me._

"_I never said you could stop."_

"_No, you didn't but your breath told me a different story."_

_His face scrunched up in confusion. "Are you saying I have bad breath?"_

"_I'm saying you have morning breath and you should go brush your teeth before I give you any kisses."_

_He closed his eyes, sighing. "But it's Saturday."_

"_A Saturday where your beautiful wife and her handsome husband both have no work, due to the holidays, and planned to spend it together."_

_He opened his eyes. "Together, how?"_

_I just smiled the best seductive smile that I possibly could, the thought of toothpaste leaving my mind completely. _

_He grinned at that and pulled me down on top of him so his lips could find my own. I ran my fingers through his hair, flatting the some of the strands, only to mess them up again as he rolled us over. His lips left mine and trailed down my neck, stopping every once and a while to kiss or lick. I giggled and wriggled underneath him._

"_That tickles." I felt him laugh against my throat as he moved his head back up so it was level with mine. His eyes shown with happiness._

"_I love you."_

_I nodded._

"_I love you too."_

_He smirked and made his way back down my naked body. He stopped at my stomach. There was a little bump there, but Derek told me I only noticed the tiny bulge because it was my body. He looked at it for a while before leaning down and brushing it with his fingers. I shivered at how tender it was. Derek always had an awe struck look on his face whenever we talked about the baby. The moment after we got married, in the Hawaiian hotel room our parents got up for our honeymoon, we talked about having children and starting a family. Now that it was actually happening...I can't explain it. Derek was just so different. Excited. He'd give me a hug from behind and then stop, slip his fingers under my shirt and touch my growing tummy. The place where the creation of our love was being held._

_He placed a kiss on it before moving back up to me, to take my lips again._

_---_

"_Wait. Stop." I mumbled and pulled back a little. Derek lifted his head up to look at me._

"_What's wrong?"_

_I shut my eyes. _

"_My stomach just hurts. No," I shook my head when I saw his concerned look. "It's not the baby. I think I just need to go to the bathroom."_

_Derek rolled off of me and I sat up, reaching for my robe. I slipped it on and watched as he grabbed a pair of pyjama pants off the floor. I sent him a questioning look._

"_Why are you getting dressed?"_

_He shrugged. "I was up with you a lot last night. I'm starved."_

_I blushed a little and told him I'd meet him out in the kitchen after I was done._

"_I'll get you a cup of coffee." And then Derek left the room. I made my way to the bathroom hooked on to our bedroom. That was one thing I told Derek was a must have, if we ever bought a house of our own. _

_I decided to have a shower and hung my robe on the hook behind the door and shut it. I felt the sharp stab of pain again, and clutched my stomach. I made my way over to the toilet. Then I screamed. _

_I heard the sound of something being dropped on the floor somewhere in the house and then Derek running. I screamed again and felt myself start to shake._

"_What's going on?" He burst into the little bathroom with such a speed I jumped._

"_Casey?" He asked again._

"_Derek. I'm bleeding." I stood up and pointed into the toilet, where I had just peed blood. _

_The look he gave me was one of horror. _

"_Get dressed. We're going to the hospital."_

_---_

_The car ride to the hospital was so unpleasant. I almost didn't want to go, for I was dreading the answer I might receive. When we pulled into the familiar parking lot, I made my way out of the car and into the white building with Derek right behind me. He placed his hand on my back and steered me towards the "Emergency" section._

_I got in right away. The nurse, Matilda, I think she said her name was. Took some of my blood. I was lying on the itchy paper on the hospital bed with Derek, grasping my hand, sitting in the chair beside me. _

"_Will you need to do an ultrasound?" I heard him ask and turned to look at the young woman. Her black hair was pushed up in a bun with different pens and she pulled one out and wrote something on a piece of paper before sticking it back in her hair. _

"_We may need to. The blood is going to tell us if there are changes in your pregnancy hormone levels, plus Dr. Hush will be in to check you out soon." She turned to look at me. "Just sit tight, honey."_

_Derek and I never spoke to each other at all for the next three minutes until Dr. Hush came in, carrying a clip board._

"_Mr. and Mrs. Venturi." _

_We both turned to look at the man, standing in the door way. _

"_We tried to test this as fast as possible, and I'm pretty sure I know the results, but I'm just going to do one last thing to check and make sure, first."_

_He lifted up my shirt so he could press his fingers into my stomach and abdomen. Then he stopped._

_He looked up, first at me, then at Derek who was staring anxiously at him, then back at me._

"_I am so sorry, both of you. Casey seems to have had a miscarriage. I don't know the exact cause as to why, yet, but I will run some more tests and will have the answer in a few days. I'll have Julie call you when the results are in..."_

_I stopped listening to him and sat up. My baby, my stomach. It was all empty. It had all disappeared. The little life inside of me was gone. I couldn't even look at Derek, but I felt his hand go clammy inside mine. I could feel my head start to spin and I looked around. The health posters on the walls seemed to dissolve away. All that was left were the white walls, which seemed to be getting closer and closer. Before I could think of anything else, I grabbed my purse off the table beside me and ran. I left that room where my world crumbled; I left Matilda standing beside the water fountain. I left Derek and just ran. I reached the car, hopped into it and pulled out of the parking lot. _

_---_

"You felt like the world that you knew and loved, had ended." Derek spoke in a strange way. He seemed so much older and wiser and I felt my heart clench as I really realized what had happened in that tiny bathroom, sitting on the floor with my husband.

"We're in a different era now, Derek. A darker one." He shook his head.

"It doesn't have to be darker."

"How can it not be? We just lost our child." My voice caught on the last word, so Derek reached forward and wrapped his arms around me.

"This is going to affect our marriage, I'll never be able to give you childr-"

Derek held up a hand to shush me.

"Stop right there. This will only affect our marriage if we let it. I, for one, think this would be a hell of a lot harder to go through alone so I think we should try to remember the reason why we wanted a baby. We wanted because we loved each other and wanted to give love to someone that was made out of love."

I nuzzled my head into his neck, trying to hold back tears.

"And this doesn't mean you won't be able to have another child. My Mom had a miscarriage between Edwin and Marti. I didn't know until after Marti came along. She wasn't as far along as you were, but my parent's still kept it a secret from me until I could understand. I don't think I ever really did until today."

"So what are we going to do?" I asked my voice scratchy from all the crying I had done in the past few hours.

"We are going to go talk to Dr. Hush and figure out what happened and then when we're ready, we're going to try again."

And out of all that happened today, that was the one thing I felt true peace about. So all I did was let the last few tears escape, and lean up to kiss my husband on the cheek.

* * *

_Ta da! It has an interesting ending and I guess you can choose if it's a happy one or not. All my Miscarriage Information was found online so I hope its mostly accurate. Merry Christmas everyone and God Bless! _

_Please Review and let me know what you thought!_

_xoxoTaraxoxo_


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